Dear Readers,

Howdy! How are ya’ll today? I’m happy and good. A local videographer here in Greene County wants to film me telling two funny stories for a storytelling festival.

I am excited, all I really have to do is think of two silly and ridiculous things that I have done.

Easy as pie!

Well, last week I told you all that I would tell another damsel in distress story so here it goes, every bit of it is true!

This happened last winter when I was the legal assistant and office manager for a prominent attorney in the historic district of Greenville Tennessee. I’ll call the attorney, “Buddy.” He is an old friend of mine for at least 24 years, and my personal attorney.

The office is in a 120-year-old beautiful brick building. The ceilings are vaulted up at least 14-15 feet. The office is huge. The room for clients is where you first walk into the building with my office directly behind it. Then there is another room, a long hallway, the conference room, then the intern’s office, and finally at the end of the building the attorney’s office. The place is gorgeous and HUGE.

As I was basically working two jobs in one, most evenings I was working at the office long after the intern and Buddy were gone home for the evening. I would lock the door after they left and get back to work on tons of paperwork. I loved the peace and quiet. The only problem is usually with me around the quiet doesn’t last a whole lotta time.

When I hired on, Buddy decided that I was too sweet and kind for some of his clientele or previous clientele. He tried giving me lessons on how to cuss out someone who might come into the office with a grudge or mad as fire over the way his case went in court. I just did not want to cuss. I refused to cuss. It’s just not nice. He even offered me a hundred-dollar bill to practice cussing. That just further offended my sensibilities. So, Buddy decided this damsel in distress needed a gun for protection. Oh Lord!

He gave me lessons in how to shoot the gun. I was terrified, and politely declined gun lessons at first until he explained there may be situations come up where my life might be in danger. So, I paid closer attention to the instructions. It was a little tiny gun; I think it was a 22-caliber. I kept it in a drawer handy in my desk.

One dark evening I was engrossed in the billing process, which the Tennessee Board of Professional Responsibility monitors. I was always nervous and preoccupied doing the billing. I was in the office alone and had forgotten to lock the front door. Then I heard a noise in the back toward Buddy’s office.

The street was dark outside with the Old English lamp posts glowing. It was then that I realized I had not locked the door. I was gripped with fear. This was it! This was the moment Buddy had always said would happen! I was alone in the office with an evil criminal!! There wasn’t even time to call 911.

I stealthily opened my drawer and got out the little gun. I was shaking all over as I crept silently down the long dark hallway holding the gun. As I passed each office I would look inside. No criminal. As I got to the last office, Attorney Buddy’s office I held my breath. I had to be tough. I had to be strong. I wasn’t feeling real tough, but I was trying. The office light was on and I knew I hadn’t left it on. I came up to the French doors that went to the office, I hollered, “Who is in there??!!”

And then I heard him, Kenny ... Attorney Buddy’s 17-year old son. I immediately put the gun down and went into the office. I said, “Kenny!! You scared me to death!! I thought a criminal was in here!” Kenny said, “I said ‘hi’ to you as I came by your office.”

I never heard him because the Board of Professional Responsibility and I were doing the billing. Gosh almighty, talk about a possible nightmare situation. And I love Kenny, I used to babysit him when he was two, back before he became a big strapping football star for the Greeneville Devils.

I was pretty shook. And I decided guns and I were just not a match. Lord help!

Kenny and I laugh about it now, I’m glad he has a sense of humor about it.

I resigned soon after because the work was too hard on my heart since I have heart conditions. I’ll stick with column writing because, so far, I don’t need a gun for that.

This damsel in distress will have to look for someone else to rescue me.

Until next time, have a good week, and have a literary week!